The “Better Angels of our Nature” Trade their Halos for Horns

angels, demons, twentytwentynews

Clete Wetli, Contributor

Even if politics isn’t your thing, you’ve got to admit that Trump forcing Attorney General Jeff Sessions to fire Deputy FBI Director Andrew McCabe on a late Friday night with a day left before McCabe’s retirement will be remembered as an epic low-down dirty rotten douchebag move.

In the last year, we’ve all become rather numb to these crass, juvenile maneuvers by the most embarrassing and corrupt president in our nation’s history. But, McCabe’s firing is uniquely despicable on many levels. Did the Orange One forget that McCabe is a witness in the Russia Investigation? Wasn’t Trump’s gimp, Sessions, supposed to recuse himself from anything related to the probe?

Is there no limit to Trump’s willingness to desecrate our national conversation and government?

It’s true that politics has devolved into a mud-slinging free-for-all and that finding statesmanship in public discourse today is like discovering a unicorn frolicking in a sewage treatment plant.

Yet, it seems that most people don’t mind much. Hell, they don’t even have one fucking clue as to what voting district they live in and they’d be more likely to guess what size bra Kim Kardashian wears than to tell you how many Amendments make up the Bill of Rights.

I bet more folks know who Stormy Daniels is than Andrew McCabe.

Somehow, we’ve decided to follow the bully, rather than the smartest guy in the room. We’ve sodomized the angels of our better nature while we’ve traded in our halos for horns.

We mock science and embrace the dumbest delusions so long as they confirm our most deeply held biases. Trump did not create this; he is merely the bitter and foul culmination of a burnt stew of moral, cultural toxins and intellectual laziness that fueled his political rise. Trump is the epitome of a charming, yet stupidly vulgar man who baffles with his brazenness and astonishes with his unnecessary cruelty. He is understandable only as a grotesque caricature. Any attempts to humanize him result in bestowing upon him characteristics he is not capable of possessing. Such as empathy, nuance, forethought, and advanced strategy. He is an idiot savant, with most of his character reflecting the former.

The Russians easily played us because collectively we have embraced sound bites over hard-fought knowledge. We don’t make time to find the truth. We refuse to struggle for understanding. We settle for the salacious, abbreviated headline and claim we’re too tired or disinterested to dig any deeper.

We’ve become a slave to autocorrect and we only consume what’s easily digestible in our electronic feed, which is driven by our previous feeds and the system is designed to quietly discard anything that could cause us the slightest intellectual discomfort. If it somehow sneaks in, we fucking unfriend and block that vile shit quickly.

We’ve excommunicated and exiled our better angels. They may be momentarily relieved after the horror they’ve been forced to witness. Yet, they yearn to come home so they can remind us of our potential before we surrender completely to mediocrity and banality.

They knock on our doors every now and again and we slam them angrily like they’re some annoying proselytizing teenagers hawking unwanted pamphlets with instructions for our unlikely salvation. Some of our better angels are just missing in action. Most are suffering PTSD, I fear.

Somehow, we’ve got to find that high road again. I don’t think the answer lies in compromise. How do you compromise with the abomination of Trump or his deplorable, racist, dipshit supporters? You can’t. It’s time for vision and mission and clarity of purpose. It’s time to wash off the mud and to aspire to inspire.

No matter how much time passes, Trump is still unworthy of the office and still a greedy, entitled, shit-gibbon.

I just miss our better angels. I hope that they’ll come back soon. In the meantime, I’ll try to remember what it was like to have a leader that spoke in complete and uplifting sentences.

AL House votes to display Ten Commandments- We Prefer Hammurabi’s Code!

twentytwentynews, hammurabi, ten commandments

Franklin Contributor

In its infinite and mind-boggling wisdom, the AL House of Representatives has voted in committee to tear down the wall separating church and state by advocating the public display of the Ten Commandments on state property. They believe that this will infuse much needed morality in Alabama and finally eradicate atheism. They are hoping it may eliminate the need to have those bizarre kids riding bikes wearing ties that knock on your door all the time wanting to talk about your tenuous spiritual salvation.

Although they admit all sorts of genetically immutable dumbfuckery will remain rampant in the Yellowhammer state, at least folks will have something wholesome to read, with lots of word they don’t fully comprehend, while they’re waiting to pay for their traffic fines at City Hall. Thou gets it, right?

So, we at thought that we shouldn’t stop there. In the spirit of arbitrarily sponsoring state religion, we’ve gone all in on public displays of Hammurabi’s Code. It’s a bit longer, bloodier, and unforgiving, but that should make it far more appealing to Christian Evangelicals and folks stockpiling firearms to prevent tyranny. In fact, we think it should be updated a little by replacing the phrase “put to death” with “kilt wit a hail of bullits from an AR-fiteen” or “mauled to death by a real war-eagle”. Hell, yeah!

We think that Alabamians should embrace Hammurabi’s code because it has all sorts of stuff they just love. Subjugation and humiliation of women, maiming and sundry torture, legal ways to abuse slaves, and there’s even references to barbers, prostitutes, and drinking in taverns. Much like the Bible, but with fewer weird references about coveting your neighbor’s oxen or making golden idols. I mean, who’s got time for that, really?

In our defense, we looked at a multitude of historical codes of law because the AL House insists that this isn’t about “religion”, but merely a way to provide “historical context” for our current law. Apparently, Attila the Hun wasn’t real big on writing stuff down and, well, Hammurabi just seemed to be a perfect fit for Alabama, especially the conservatives.

With this groundbreaking legislation, surely the AL House will welcome all kinds of religious and cultural documents to be displayed at the Driver’s License office for “historical education” purposes. Maybe, we could use some passages from the Satanic Bible for the eye exams. Certainly, we could put some Sharia law posters up in the Tax Assessor’s office and, maybe, some great scrolls of Confucian Law in the County Commissioner’s office.

We commend our genius Representatives for their bold action in Alabama. If only we had posted the Ten Commandments sooner, then ex-Governor Robert Bentley wouldn’t have been screwing one of his advisors and prancing around in his whitey-tighties on the taxpayer dime. It may have stopped former House Leader Mike Hubbard from all his theft and graft. Perhaps, Bubba in Cullman County wouldn’t have done that unspeakable thing to his neighbor’s ox.

Hopefully, they’ll mandate school prayer next. Then, we can sing our prayerful praise to Cthulu or sacrifice animal fat to Zeus! We’re so happy they’re not advocating one religion over another and are merely interested in educating folks about “historical context”. If this catches on, maybe groups like the Girl Scouts could branch out into Wiccan covens. Oh, the endless possibilities!

So, let’s hope that they get this Ten Commandments bill to the floor for a vote as soon as possible, so we can get Hammurabi’s Code posted in the City Parking Deck where it belongs!

Hammurabi was one bad-ass Babylonian and it’s time Alabama “redneckanizes” his contribution. Next legislative session, we’re looking at sponsoring the Code of Ur-Nammu so we can get adulterous women, random acts of dismemberment, and sorcery under control in Birmingham, Huntsville, and the sin-filled hell-hole of Mobile.

Did Elon Musk just commit a perfect crime right in front of our eyes?

twentytwentynews, frankin, most interesting man

Franklin, Contributor

Elon Musk just launched a red Tesla into space with a space dummy at the wheel. Of course, we’ll get into the unintended cosmic consequences of his overpriced car commercial in a moment, but did anybody physically check to see if the space dummy driver was actually a mannequin?

Aha! That’s exactly what I thought. Interestingly, we haven’t seen much of Jonathan Goldsmith lately; who’s known by his moniker, “The World’s Most Interesting Man”.  It was reported that he was replaced suddenly by French actor, Augustin Legrand, after Goldsmith’s final appearance in a commercial that had him on a one-way trip to Mars.

Coincidence? I think not! Here’s a link to the commercial:

According to sources unfamiliar with this story, it has been alleged after several cases of Dos Equis, that Musk has long been jealous of the man who “can speak French in Russian” and whose “only regret has been never being able to experience regret”. Musk has long wanted to be thought of as the world’s most interesting man and it has been theorized that his fragile ego couldn’t take it anymore.

Musk has often sought to reach the height of global stature where mosquitos refuse to bite him out of respect and he can live vicariously through himself. “He just couldn’t take it anymore…”, according to an anonymous person who was quoted deliberately out of context on an unrelated matter. Some initial reports were that he initially wanted to kidnap Trump, but never succeeded in luring him away from watching Fox News while snuggling with Ivanka on the couch. However, that sounds like a conspiracy theory, besides Trump is known as the Most Interesting Man to Himself and Musk’s hands are quite obviously larger than Trump’s which completely debunks that idea.

Obviously, flamethrowers, Hyperloops, car models that collectively spelled out the oh, so subtle acronym- S-3-X, SpaceX rockets, and PayPal just never gave Musk the sort of street cred that could make him the life of parties that he never attended.

So, Musk may have snapped and kidnapped Goldsmith after cleverly arranging his replacement, according to unreliable and inebriated, speculating sources. Some people from somewhere say that Goldsmith was kept imprisoned and drugged until being put in a spacesuit by an evil, cackling Musk petting a Persian cat and then Goldsmith was carefully positioned in the driver’s seat of Musk’s Tesla that was recently launched into space with the ironic destination of Mars.

With over 4,000 pieces of space crap and garbage sent into Earth’s orbit by humans, Musk was inspired to send space trash even further into the cosmos, thus deciding to thrust his Tesla to other planets as a gift; much the same way that Columbus brought syphilis as a gift to indigenous peoples. In this case, our alien neighbors will get an overpriced car on empty, a once very interesting human corpse with an enviable beard in a spacesuit designed for MTV, and billions of bacterial microbes that will certainly wreak havoc on their pristine planet.

By the way, at, we are extremely proud of our excessively inept and shoddy reporting that brought you this clearly fake conspiracy theory written by a fictitious Yorkie Editor-In-Chief for the sole purpose of pointing out to Musk that just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should.

In the meantime, we choose willfully to suspend our disbelief and accept this hairbrained theory as truth in the same way that Trump supporters believe our President has moral values and spends “executive time” on deep, contemplative thought.

We don’t always write fake news, but when we do, we sure as Hell have a biased opinion about it.

So, Musk, we’re on to you and your evil plan to get aliens to buy your cars and flamethrowers. We believe this in our hearts because we want to believe you committed space-murder right before our eyes and no amount of facts will change our minds. We heard that you tried to sweeten the deal by loading cases of Dos Equis and solar-panel roofing shingles into the trunk of that Tesla you launched into space.

Musk, you may be a space-murderer, but you always inspired us with your famous line, “”A little red wine, vintage record, some Ambien … and magic!” Ah, the stuff conspiracy theories are made of…

Just remember, when aliens discover this used car crashing into their planet and they finally take the spacesuit off the curiously handsome dead driver, it’s going to take them awhile to figure out why the corpse is wearing a shirt that says, “Stay thirsty, my friends”.