I take a winter vacation and all Hell breaks loose

Franklin, Contributor

So, I decided to take a little winter break after getting twentytwentynews.com off the ground this last year. As a Canine American without opposable thumbs or vocal chords that are worth a shit, this was no small feat, so I figured I had earned a break and that things would be okay in the capable hands of Clete Wetli, Jerry Waters, Elizabeth Dawson, and others who have helped with this effort. Obviously, that worked about as well putting Harvey Weinstein in charge of Human Resources at a Hooters.

My crew, who assured me that they would keep things running while I was gone, seemed to have also taken a little respite of their own. At least Wetli posted some of his al.com crap here on the site, but he certainly hasn’t been writing new content for us, or annoyingly re-posting it everywhere like used to do.

I called Dawson and she claims she’s been busy making some kind of bizarre post-modern sculptures out of red clay, C-4, and the tear drops of all six moderates left in Alabama. She mentioned something about being busy with the Alabama Women’s Caucus of the Arts and drinking copious amounts of vodka while binge watching Homeland. After muttering some obscenities, she promised she’d come back to work when she ran out of liquor or reached critical mass in her existential crisis, whichever came first.

Yeah, that’s called Tuesday in case you were wondering. Wetli called, but   seemed genuinely surprised when I answered my phone. He thought he’d leave another one of those fake sounding rambling messages, but he heard the guttural disgust in my voice and he begrudgingly agreed that he’d start writing some pieces again. He claims he’s been super busy working on a project with Huntsville Recovery to help deal with substance abuse and the opioid crisis in the community. Cool, I had no idea the guy even had a day job or could even pass a drug test on his best day.

Jerry’s phone was disconnected, so I went over to his apartment which is actually the detached garage at his mother’s house. He was watching a YouTube video on how to build your own massive telescope to detect alien life while he was painting his toe nails lavender. Anyway, I really don’t want to talk about it, but Jerry agreed to begin contributing again. He also signed an agreement to never wear flip-flops to the office.

So, there’s no way to recap the last two and a half months except to acknowledge that Trump hasn’t blown us up, yet. Of course, now we are learning that he’s a self-described “stable genius”, instead of being the annoying, perpetually masturbating, special needs Russia-humping fucktard that we all thought he was.

Somehow, we have all survived a year of Trump the depraved, moronic dipshit and his repugnant Republican Congressional sycophantic whores. They have been working hard to erase all the progress we enjoyed during the Obama years and they are determined to change our noble democracy into the worst of kakistocracies for their own enrichment.

Well, I’m back in the office now and I promise that we’ll start cranking out some insightful commentary on the news once again, First, I have to figure out which stable genius decided to put “Africa” by Toto on a perpetual loop every time I turn on computer.

“The wild dogs cry out in the night
As they grow restless, longing for some solitary company
I know that I must do what’s right
As sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti
I seek to cure what’s deep inside, frightened of this thing that I’ve become”- yeah, try to get some work done with that shit blaring. It really makes me wonder if Trump wrote those lyrics… nothing shocks me anymore.
So, it’s good to be back and this dog is ready to hunt again.

2 Replies to “I take a winter vacation and all Hell breaks loose”

  1. Franklin should meet the Pangendered Octopus who’ s roaming the galaxy in search of love. Apparently, she needs help capturing the flying sex snakes!

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