In its infinite and mind-boggling wisdom, the AL House of Representatives has voted in committee to tear down the wall separating church and state by advocating the public display of the Ten Commandments on state property. They believe that this will infuse much needed morality in Alabama and finally eradicate atheism. They are hoping it may eliminate the need to have those bizarre kids riding bikes wearing ties that knock on your door all the time wanting to talk about your tenuous spiritual salvation.
Although they admit all sorts of genetically immutable dumbfuckery will remain rampant in the Yellowhammer state, at least folks will have something wholesome to read, with lots of word they don’t fully comprehend, while they’re waiting to pay for their traffic fines at City Hall. Thou gets it, right?
So, we at twentytwentynews.com thought that we shouldn’t stop there. In the spirit of arbitrarily sponsoring state religion, we’ve gone all in on public displays of Hammurabi’s Code. It’s a bit longer, bloodier, and unforgiving, but that should make it far more appealing to Christian Evangelicals and folks stockpiling firearms to prevent tyranny. In fact, we think it should be updated a little by replacing the phrase “put to death” with “kilt wit a hail of bullits from an AR-fiteen” or “mauled to death by a real war-eagle”. Hell, yeah!
We think that Alabamians should embrace Hammurabi’s code because it has all sorts of stuff they just love. Subjugation and humiliation of women, maiming and sundry torture, legal ways to abuse slaves, and there’s even references to barbers, prostitutes, and drinking in taverns. Much like the Bible, but with fewer weird references about coveting your neighbor’s oxen or making golden idols. I mean, who’s got time for that, really?
In our defense, we looked at a multitude of historical codes of law because the AL House insists that this isn’t about “religion”, but merely a way to provide “historical context” for our current law. Apparently, Attila the Hun wasn’t real big on writing stuff down and, well, Hammurabi just seemed to be a perfect fit for Alabama, especially the conservatives.
With this groundbreaking legislation, surely the AL House will welcome all kinds of religious and cultural documents to be displayed at the Driver’s License office for “historical education” purposes. Maybe, we could use some passages from the Satanic Bible for the eye exams. Certainly, we could put some Sharia law posters up in the Tax Assessor’s office and, maybe, some great scrolls of Confucian Law in the County Commissioner’s office.
We commend our genius Representatives for their bold action in Alabama. If only we had posted the Ten Commandments sooner, then ex-Governor Robert Bentley wouldn’t have been screwing one of his advisors and prancing around in his whitey-tighties on the taxpayer dime. It may have stopped former House Leader Mike Hubbard from all his theft and graft. Perhaps, Bubba in Cullman County wouldn’t have done that unspeakable thing to his neighbor’s ox.
Hopefully, they’ll mandate school prayer next. Then, we can sing our prayerful praise to Cthulu or sacrifice animal fat to Zeus! We’re so happy they’re not advocating one religion over another and are merely interested in educating folks about “historical context”. If this catches on, maybe groups like the Girl Scouts could branch out into Wiccan covens. Oh, the endless possibilities!
So, let’s hope that they get this Ten Commandments bill to the floor for a vote as soon as possible, so we can get Hammurabi’s Code posted in the City Parking Deck where it belongs!
Hammurabi was one bad-ass Babylonian and it’s time Alabama “redneckanizes” his contribution. Next legislative session, we’re looking at sponsoring the Code of Ur-Nammu so we can get adulterous women, random acts of dismemberment, and sorcery under control in Birmingham, Huntsville, and the sin-filled hell-hole of Mobile.