The Attack of the Cohen-Heads!

Franklin, Contributor

Disclaimer: This story was originally put in the “Catch-and-Kill” bin, but after possibly declining several offers of obscene amounts of money to bury it like a gnawed bone in the backyard, it was quietly moved to the “Catch-and-Release” bin. (Please refer to paragraph 17, section C of your non-disclosure agreement for more details.) Or, we just made this shit up to point out how surreal it is that people eagerly read tabloids for their unparalleled journalistic excellence regarding celebrity alien abductions and “SHOCKING REVELATIONS!” and that tabloids can easily afford to pay out millions for salacious gossip.

Please note that this story is written by a hipster, questionably sober, Yorkie Canine-American with poor typing skills and acute attention deficit disorder when in the presence of squirrels, but everything else is undeniably and completely true, unless it is not, or if there is pending litigation.

Provided that the Era of Trump miraculously doesn’t end in some apocalyptic nuclear winter, historians will remain perplexed when they try to understand the unwavering, cult-like support of The Orange One’s followers. Trump was, indeed, prescient when he declared he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not lose his base. In fact, the leader of Trump’s fan club, Michael Cohen, expressed his passionate love of the Mango Mussolini by saying he would take a bullet for The Don. The media has labeled Cohen as Trump’s personal attorney and “fixer”, but it seems more likely that Cohen is the cartoonish embodiment of a mafia henchman in its’ most hackneyed and clichéd portrayal. His defenders should be called “Cohen-heads” because Trump has violently grabbed them “by the base of their snarglies!”

Perhaps, they are not human after all…

While America consumes mass quantities in deep regret over electing a moron con-man for president, they realize that this is just the beginning of “The Attack of the Cohen-heads!” The Cohen-heads are generally a Machiavellian species devoid of morality and ethics with the singular purpose of amassing wealth, the tacky trappings of luxury, and high social status. They are related to another alien life-form, although of much lower social class, called Trumpsters who worship the Orange One and have an innate, uncanny ability to rationalize and legitimize the most disgusting and outrageous behavior of their tweeting, golfing, incoherent god. Trumpsters and Cohen-heads have infiltrated America posing as normal humans, but they can be detected by examining their right-wing conspiracy-laden social media rants, their obsession with incarcerating Hillary Clinton, and their inexplicable love of artificial tanning while eating Filet-O-Fish sandwiches.

The Cohen-heads and Trumpsters share a mean-spirited worldview and pursue their political agenda like famished locusts that leave nothing in their wake but destruction and famine. Their obvious hypocrisy and inability to tell the truth is baffling to the humans who interact with them. The appear outwardly like others in the community, but in truth, they’re an ideological leech that feeds off its host body, directing their skin-suit to tweet with the hive-mind of Fox and The Orange One to receive their next instructions for global dominion. They seek to colonize the Earth and use misinformation and mass media as weapons of war. They may also be using long red ties held together with tape, we’ve heard.

Now, I know you think that this is a wild conspiracy theory, but it is obvious that The Orange One is not human. His skin tone is clearly alien and his diet consists of eating mostly artificial substances. His weak grasp of language is also a major clue that he is simply not from here. The Cohen-heads, also clearly aliens, aligned with the Trumpsters to ensure that they amass wealth, which they may be sending back to their gilded, intergalactic mothership, “The Covfefe.”

Clearly, there is no other explanation as to how Trump got elected or how he continues to have an approval rating in the double digits. It defies all reason and it must be some sort of alien plot for harvesting the planet. Any sort of rational justification for the existence of Michael Cohen has been debunked and he remains categorized as an extraterrestrial parasite.

There are two choices for Americans as they suffer the Attack of The Cohen-heads, you can put your tin-foil MAGA hat back on and pretend everything is normal until you notice your skin slowly turning orange, or you can join The Resistance, learn the truth, and vote.

Don’t believe the Cohen-head who said, “When my people come to colonize this planet, you will be on the protected rolls, and no harm will come to you.” To them, you are nothing more than mammal flesh waiting to be charred in a flame pit while they consume mass quantities.

Members of The Resistance have little choice but to “Narftle the Garthok!”. If you’re human and reading this, you know exactly what I mean…

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