Hurricane Crazies- A Short Story by Bernie Morgan

Bernie Morgan, Contributor

The day of the “big” hurricane, the one we had always feared, was upon us. She was ‘a comin!! My in-laws, plus granny, descended on my house like a herd of migrant workers. The next thing I knew, granny was filling every bottle in the house with water; I’m not kidding – we had to clear a path to get from the kitchen to the living room. Next, she scrubbed the tub and filled it, too.  Oh, well – nobody was much interested in taking a bath anyway; plus, if this baby was as big as they said she was, we were all going to get plenty wet anyway. Suddenly, my mother-in-law started dragging blankets out of the linen closet – at first, I thought it was to pad the area where the sliding glass doors were (if you live in Florida, sliding glass doors are a must-have) but, no, she was settling in on the couch and my father-in-law was wrapping himself up and getting comfy on my loveseat. (Did I mention that we were in FLORIDA where blankets are only for show?  – you never take them out and actually use them.) About that time, my father-in-law yelled: “When are we going to eat?” Feeling the need to escape,  I ran into the dining room – that’s when  I heard a loud thumping noise against our  bay window – were we being bombarded by huge limbs from those high winds we were told were headed our way? NO, it was our stupid horse banging his head against the glass – even he wanted in!! I had a few words with him and then I shut the drapes. I yelled to my husband, “Who let the damn horse out – let me guess.” He said he had read in a book that that is exactly what you should do in a situation like this – let the animal run free.  I knew I was losing “it” so I took off for the family room (big mistake) where I came upon one of our two teenagers – the female one. She was walking around in short shorts and was barefooted (you can get away with that 24/7 in Florida, even when a hurricane is coming). She was pouting because we wouldn’t let her use the phone while it was lightning, and she said she was bored. I said, “Get me a gun so I can kill myself.” About then, I heard a loud thumping at the front door. I looked through the peep hole and, you guessed it – it was “the horse” only this time I was looking at his rear end (always a pleasant sight.) Upon closer inspection,  I realized that he was making a deposit, if you know what I mean. I yelled out, “Did you let the damn pig out so he could run free, too? I knew by the look on my husband’s face that, yes, he had. I was in a dad gum loony bin. I took off for my son’s room where I found him sprawled out on his king-sized waterbed (people are really into water down there) reading a surfing magazine, snacking and listening to a mellow Bob Marley song. Always Mr. Cool, he looked up and said, “What’s up, ma?” I said, “Move over and hand me the chips – there’s a bunch of crazies in the house.”

A Cable from The TWENTYTWENTYNEWS.COM Bunker

It’s been a hot second since we’ve really talked. Like most folks, the staff here at twentytwentynews.com has been mildly nauseous since Trump took office and has seriously contemplated professional day-drinking as a viable career change. We’re not too sure what to think about the score of Democrats running in the primary or about how the investigations will be play out to finally nail the Teflon Orange Don to a big, beautiful wall.  We’ve got some diverse options to choose from and even a few septuagenarian white guys. Yet, we seem to be overwhelmed with a virulent type of political PTSD and feeling triggered.

At our last staff meeting, Franklin suggested that twentytwenty should recruit more writers and continue to provide even more creative and dynamic liberal content. He then chased his own tail in a dervish circle for ten minutes before collapsing and napping until he heard his kibble hit the bowl.  These things happen when your editor is a Canine-American… hey, don’t misinterpret that…

Soon, we’re planning to launch our new podcast which was inspired by the “All That’s Left” radio show which aired weekly for three hours live on conservative talk radio, WVNN, from February 2016 to February 2017. It starred Alabama’s Most Hated Liberal Voice, Clete Wetli. Although surrounded by right-wing lunacy, “All That’s Left” bravely took on the mindless Trump sycophants who called in to the show. The show caused quite a stir in Northern Alabama. Conservatives everywhere broke out in hives and couldn’t even sleep for fear of being “Woke”. More importantly, it proved that even on a red-meat, conspiracy-obsessed, fact-free, and propaganda infused radio hellscape, that there was an enthusiastic audience for insightful and entertaining liberal talk. The show’s been off the air for two years and people still remember Conservative Clown of the Week and You Gotta Love a Liberal.

So, stay tuned. Twentytwentynews is about to relaunch “All That’s Left” as a podcast! It’s going to be different, edgy, and unrestrained. Big changes have been made to the show and it promises to be better than ever!

At Twentytwenty we’re renewing our focus on articulating sound liberal opinion and messaging on issues that most affect you. It’s time for strong liberal voices to be heard and for that message to get out to voters. For too long, conservatives have had a stranglehold on media in deep red states like Alabama. This is why twentytwentynews keeps daring to take a loud, courageous stand. Liberal voices matter, and we will continue to fight for what we believe in.

With so many candidates in the primary, it’s easy for the overall message to get lost. Democrats proudly stand for working people. Democrats want a responsible, ethical government that puts the interests of the American people first. Democrats work tirelessly to ensure that all Americans have equal rights and equal opportunities under the law. We are the party of the people, in all their wonderful diversity.

Our messaging must come from the heart and share the personal, gripping stories of real people. For too long, we’ve stayed mired in the weeds of over-analysis, pedantic explanation, and pithy punditry. We need to frame our issues clearly, concisely, and passionately.  We get beat by morons because our messaging gets diffused and distorted.

So, as we take a deep breath before the impending political battle, we will stay focused on our liberal platform and progressive agenda. We will advocate sound policy and legislation that works for all Americans, not just a privileged few. We must gain control of our country again and put the conservative extremist voices on the fringe, where they truly belong. Stay tuned to twentytwentynews.com on the web and on social media.  I’m heading back to the secret underground bunker with Franklin and Jerry Waters- we’re about to take a beef jerky and Skittles break before resuming our heated discussion regarding world domination by liberals. Message us if you have a piece you’d like to see published. Raise your voice and keep your pencils sharp. Carpe Diem!

“Mo on the Rocks” sung to the tune of Neil Diamond’s “Love on the Rocks”

Franklin, Contributor

Mo on the rocks

Ain’t no surprise

Just add stones for the ocean to rise

It ain’t strange if you hate climate change

All the time

Gave you my silt

Gave you my slag

You left me in Congress without much to say

Pandering’s done

Now all I want are some bucks

First, they say they love you

Then, they get to know you

Suddenly you find you’re out there

Sounding like a fool

When they know they have you

All that science, so true

Nothing you can do or say

You’ve got to leave, just get away

We all know you’re wrong

You need that science screed

You can say what you want

Not much you can do when you’re making it up

May be blue skies above

But it’s cold when your Mo’s on the rocks

First, they say they love you

Then, they get to know you

Suddenly you find you’re out there

Sounding like a fool

When they know they have you

All that science, so true

Nothing you can do or say

You’ve got to leave, just get away

We all know that you’re wrong

Mo on the rocks

Ain’t no surprise

Just add rocks for the ocean to rise

It ain’t strange if you hate climate change

All the time

Did Elon Musk just commit a perfect crime right in front of our eyes?

twentytwentynews, frankin, most interesting man

Franklin, Contributor

Elon Musk just launched a red Tesla into space with a space dummy at the wheel. Of course, we’ll get into the unintended cosmic consequences of his overpriced car commercial in a moment, but did anybody physically check to see if the space dummy driver was actually a mannequin?

Aha! That’s exactly what I thought. Interestingly, we haven’t seen much of Jonathan Goldsmith lately; who’s known by his moniker, “The World’s Most Interesting Man”.  It was reported that he was replaced suddenly by French actor, Augustin Legrand, after Goldsmith’s final appearance in a commercial that had him on a one-way trip to Mars.

Coincidence? I think not! Here’s a link to the commercial:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvbRlengcS8

According to sources unfamiliar with this story, it has been alleged after several cases of Dos Equis, that Musk has long been jealous of the man who “can speak French in Russian” and whose “only regret has been never being able to experience regret”. Musk has long wanted to be thought of as the world’s most interesting man and it has been theorized that his fragile ego couldn’t take it anymore.

Musk has often sought to reach the height of global stature where mosquitos refuse to bite him out of respect and he can live vicariously through himself. “He just couldn’t take it anymore…”, according to an anonymous person who was quoted deliberately out of context on an unrelated matter. Some initial reports were that he initially wanted to kidnap Trump, but never succeeded in luring him away from watching Fox News while snuggling with Ivanka on the couch. However, that sounds like a conspiracy theory, besides Trump is known as the Most Interesting Man to Himself and Musk’s hands are quite obviously larger than Trump’s which completely debunks that idea.

Obviously, flamethrowers, Hyperloops, car models that collectively spelled out the oh, so subtle acronym- S-3-X, SpaceX rockets, and PayPal just never gave Musk the sort of street cred that could make him the life of parties that he never attended.

So, Musk may have snapped and kidnapped Goldsmith after cleverly arranging his replacement, according to unreliable and inebriated, speculating sources. Some people from somewhere say that Goldsmith was kept imprisoned and drugged until being put in a spacesuit by an evil, cackling Musk petting a Persian cat and then Goldsmith was carefully positioned in the driver’s seat of Musk’s Tesla that was recently launched into space with the ironic destination of Mars.

With over 4,000 pieces of space crap and garbage sent into Earth’s orbit by humans, Musk was inspired to send space trash even further into the cosmos, thus deciding to thrust his Tesla to other planets as a gift; much the same way that Columbus brought syphilis as a gift to indigenous peoples. In this case, our alien neighbors will get an overpriced car on empty, a once very interesting human corpse with an enviable beard in a spacesuit designed for MTV, and billions of bacterial microbes that will certainly wreak havoc on their pristine planet.

By the way, at twentytwentynews.com, we are extremely proud of our excessively inept and shoddy reporting that brought you this clearly fake conspiracy theory written by a fictitious Yorkie Editor-In-Chief for the sole purpose of pointing out to Musk that just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should.

In the meantime, we choose willfully to suspend our disbelief and accept this hairbrained theory as truth in the same way that Trump supporters believe our President has moral values and spends “executive time” on deep, contemplative thought.

We don’t always write fake news, but when we do, we sure as Hell have a biased opinion about it.

So, Musk, we’re on to you and your evil plan to get aliens to buy your cars and flamethrowers. We believe this in our hearts because we want to believe you committed space-murder right before our eyes and no amount of facts will change our minds. We heard that you tried to sweeten the deal by loading cases of Dos Equis and solar-panel roofing shingles into the trunk of that Tesla you launched into space.

Musk, you may be a space-murderer, but you always inspired us with your famous line, “”A little red wine, vintage record, some Ambien … and magic!” Ah, the stuff conspiracy theories are made of…

Just remember, when aliens discover this used car crashing into their planet and they finally take the spacesuit off the curiously handsome dead driver, it’s going to take them awhile to figure out why the corpse is wearing a shirt that says, “Stay thirsty, my friends”.