Elon Musk just launched a red Tesla into space with a space dummy at the wheel. Of course, we’ll get into the unintended cosmic consequences of his overpriced car commercial in a moment, but did anybody physically check to see if the space dummy driver was actually a mannequin?
Aha! That’s exactly what I thought. Interestingly, we haven’t seen much of Jonathan Goldsmith lately; who’s known by his moniker, “The World’s Most Interesting Man”. It was reported that he was replaced suddenly by French actor, Augustin Legrand, after Goldsmith’s final appearance in a commercial that had him on a one-way trip to Mars.
Coincidence? I think not! Here’s a link to the commercial:
According to sources unfamiliar with this story, it has been alleged after several cases of Dos Equis, that Musk has long been jealous of the man who “can speak French in Russian” and whose “only regret has been never being able to experience regret”. Musk has long wanted to be thought of as the world’s most interesting man and it has been theorized that his fragile ego couldn’t take it anymore.
Musk has often sought to reach the height of global stature where mosquitos refuse to bite him out of respect and he can live vicariously through himself. “He just couldn’t take it anymore…”, according to an anonymous person who was quoted deliberately out of context on an unrelated matter. Some initial reports were that he initially wanted to kidnap Trump, but never succeeded in luring him away from watching Fox News while snuggling with Ivanka on the couch. However, that sounds like a conspiracy theory, besides Trump is known as the Most Interesting Man to Himself and Musk’s hands are quite obviously larger than Trump’s which completely debunks that idea.
Obviously, flamethrowers, Hyperloops, car models that collectively spelled out the oh, so subtle acronym- S-3-X, SpaceX rockets, and PayPal just never gave Musk the sort of street cred that could make him the life of parties that he never attended.
So, Musk may have snapped and kidnapped Goldsmith after cleverly arranging his replacement, according to unreliable and inebriated, speculating sources. Some people from somewhere say that Goldsmith was kept imprisoned and drugged until being put in a spacesuit by an evil, cackling Musk petting a Persian cat and then Goldsmith was carefully positioned in the driver’s seat of Musk’s Tesla that was recently launched into space with the ironic destination of Mars.
With over 4,000 pieces of space crap and garbage sent into Earth’s orbit by humans, Musk was inspired to send space trash even further into the cosmos, thus deciding to thrust his Tesla to other planets as a gift; much the same way that Columbus brought syphilis as a gift to indigenous peoples. In this case, our alien neighbors will get an overpriced car on empty, a once very interesting human corpse with an enviable beard in a spacesuit designed for MTV, and billions of bacterial microbes that will certainly wreak havoc on their pristine planet.
By the way, at twentytwentynews.com, we are extremely proud of our excessively inept and shoddy reporting that brought you this clearly fake conspiracy theory written by a fictitious Yorkie Editor-In-Chief for the sole purpose of pointing out to Musk that just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should.
In the meantime, we choose willfully to suspend our disbelief and accept this hairbrained theory as truth in the same way that Trump supporters believe our President has moral values and spends “executive time” on deep, contemplative thought.
We don’t always write fake news, but when we do, we sure as Hell have a biased opinion about it.
So, Musk, we’re on to you and your evil plan to get aliens to buy your cars and flamethrowers. We believe this in our hearts because we want to believe you committed space-murder right before our eyes and no amount of facts will change our minds. We heard that you tried to sweeten the deal by loading cases of Dos Equis and solar-panel roofing shingles into the trunk of that Tesla you launched into space.
Musk, you may be a space-murderer, but you always inspired us with your famous line, “”A little red wine, vintage record, some Ambien … and magic!” Ah, the stuff conspiracy theories are made of…
Just remember, when aliens discover this used car crashing into their planet and they finally take the spacesuit off the curiously handsome dead driver, it’s going to take them awhile to figure out why the corpse is wearing a shirt that says, “Stay thirsty, my friends”.